Miscellaneous Amusements and

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First, an old favourite - which I'm sure I would still think amusing if our voices weren't Alto and Bass respectively!

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How does a soprano change a light bulb?

She just holds on and the world revolves around her!

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A few other favourites. Do send us your favourites too - what separates us from the apes is the extent of our ability to steal - oops, I mean share - the ideas of others . . .!

The Viola Players Strike Back

Or: "You surely do not think you can insult the viola section for years and hope to get away with it?!

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one of them

What is the definition of a minor 2nd?
2 flautists playing in unison

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe!

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Why do clarinettists leave their instrument cases on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones!

What's the definition of an idiot?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet!

What do you call a bass clarinettist with half a brain?

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawnmower, and the neighbours are upset if you borrow their lawnmower and don 't return it!

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change the bulb and the other two to argue about how Dave Sanborn would have done it!

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital!

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to change the bulb and the other four to complain about how high he had to go!

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand up the bell and split lots of notes!

What's the difference between a dead country singer in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
The country singer was probably on the way to a gig!

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards with a decent run-up and a good arm!

What do you call someone who follows a group of musicians around?
The drummer!

What does the percussion player say when he gets to his gig?
Do you want chips with that, sir?

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?

How can you tell if a violinist is playing out of tune ?
His bow is moving!

Why are viola jokes so short?
So the violinists understand them!

Why is a second violin like a scud missile?
They are both offensive and wildly inaccurate!

What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personality!

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Stand at the back and don't play!

(Who sneaked that one in ?)

How do you know when the percussion section is at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and nobody knows when to come in!

What's the difference between a cellist and a dog?
A dog knows when to stop scratching!

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size - it's just that the violinist's head is larger!

What's the difference between a double bass and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside!

Why are concert intervals limited to twenty minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the bass section!

Did you hear the one about the bass player who was so bad that ...
... even the rest of his section noticed ?!

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first?
Who cares?

Why is a conductor's heart so coveted for transplants?
It's had so little use!

An orchestra member calls the office and asks for the conductor. The secretary says:
"I'm sorry but the maestro was killed in a car crash after the concert last night "
He calls again two minutes later and asks again to speak to the conductor.
"I told you - he was killed last night!"
This goes on for the next half-hour until the secretary says:
"For heaven's sake! This is the umpteenth time you've called. Don't you understand? He was killed last night in a car crash!"
I know - I just like to hear you say it!

Why did the chicken go to the bassoon recital?
To get away from the brass band concert!

What is the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who owns some brass band records, but doesn't play them!

How many viola players does it take to wallpaper a room?
About three, if you slice them thinly enough!


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If you are still with me, you can still find a few other favourites ...

Notables & Quotables Navigator
Amusing Quotes Verses and Poems
More Amusing Quotes More Favourite Verses
Yet More QuotablesA Shakespeare Sonnet
More Quotables - Q4 Viola-isms
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Thanks .... for visiting.

If you would like to contact us at any time send e-mail to:

   Lesley at    Lesley@lesleydavies.co.uk    or
Brian at   response@bdavies.co.uk

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